Sarge vs Grif
by Dessmond Williams
Summary: excatly what the title suggest, but from simmons pov. RvB first few chapters are intros
1. Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

Today I learned that we are going to receive a new private. Hopefully he is a lazy, good for nothing, dirtbag. I want Sarge all to myself and if the rookie gets here and starts to hog Sarge all to himself, well, lets just say that my insanely high intelligence will be put to use as a horrific nightmare for him. Well, it's getting late now, even though the sun is still out. Seriously, it's never night here. Anyway, goodnight diary.

Love,

Dick Simmons

It was 1300 hours and Sarge was mad as he gets when he sees a blue. The transport still hasn't gotten here with the new private. I swear, Sarge is going to bust an artery if it doesn't get here soon. I am not looking forward to the new rookie. When he gets here Sarge is going to be all preoccupied with showing him around the base. He'll have no time for me anywhere within the next few weeks. Needless to say, no matter how nice the rookie is, his life is going to be a living hell. Speak of the devil, here comes the ship.

"Hey Sarge, the ships here."

"Simmons, for the last time, don't interrupt me during an experiment!"

"Sorry sir, it's just you should probably be up there with the commander to get some info on the private."

"Alright Simmons, I'm coming"

When I came back out I saw a yellow clad Spartan standing next to a pelican talking to an ODST officer.

"Excuse me sir, Is this yellow guy the new rookie?"

"Hey, I'm Orange, not yellow you retard!"

"Calm down soldiers. Simmons this is Private Dexter Grif. Since Sarge isn't here, I'm ordering you to debrief him and give him a tour of the Base. Understood?"

"Yes sir. But don't leave yet Sarge should be here any minute now, he's just finishing an experiment."

"What's he working on, how to make everyone in blue armor sterile."

"No, he's making a new bio-toxin that will make every one in blue armor miniature spider monkeys."

Just then Sarge comes up behind me and relieves me to go show the new private around. After about thirty minutes of a tour, we stop in the mess hall to grab a bite to eat.

So far, I've learned that he is lazy, stupid and apathetic, the perfect combo for me to keep Sarge's attention. When he took off his helmet, I was expecting some nerdy geek with glasses, but he actually looked like he was of Norwegian decent and looked fairly handsome…. From a professional view of course. We started to talk for a little while.

He told me he had a sister and how he hated work and how I seemed like a cool guy.

I'm liking this rookie a lot. He likes me and is lazy so he won't vive for Sarge's attention.

Forty minutes later, we finished the tour and Sarge was ready to meet Grif, as he told me to call him.

"Simmons, get your keister over here and introduce me to the rookie."

"Sir, this is Grif."

"What's up?"

"What did you just say soldier."

Uh-Oh

"What, all I said was what's up?"

"……"

BLAM!

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

"Don't ever talk to a superior officer like that"

"Sarge, maybe shooting him in the leg with a shotgun is a little bit over the top."

"Simmons, don't make me have you stay with lopez."

"Sorry sir."


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

Apparently, Sarge dislikes Grif intensely because he is insubordinate and hates work. Big surprise. Any way, Sarge is ordering me to train the rookie while he continues his insane experiments. I swear, sometimes I think I should be leader and reform this base to make it more efficient. Well, I've got to go. Grif's training starts in a few minutes.

Love,

Dick Simmons.

Training

Day 1

"Grif, as of right now, I am you training officer."

"Whoopdi-Fuckin-Doo. Hey Simmons, were cool right?"

"Right?"

"So, how bout you tell Sarge I finished training instead of going through all this trouble, just to re-teach me everything I learned in basic."

I couldn't believe this rookie, he wanted to skip training. Normally, I would tell Sarge and have him demoted to some crap job, but he is the only one in this canyon who isn't a blue, or a disturbingly erratic sergeant. I had to think of my own sanity.

"Grif, training is an important thing in the military. What if we didn't train for WWI?"

"The British would've used their air force to destroy the forward artillery of the German front line and then had Russia come in with the tanks and blow the hell out of them."

This guy is as smart as me! I better not let Sarge find out; otherwise my talent will be wasted trying to compete with this guy.

"Grif that's stupid. Where would you get such a ridiculous idea?"

"From the internet."

"Wha- Where did you get internet from? Were on an alien planet"

"I've got Verizon. Can yo-"

"Don't finish that sentence please. We should be getting your training done anyway."

And so, after another twenty minutes of argument, we finally finished training.

He was right though, Sarge just makes us do the exact same stuff that we did in basic.

"Ladies, front and center on the double!"

"Yes sir" cried the soldiers in union.

"I thought you were insubordinate?"

"I like my knee capes too much to lose them again."

"Now as you know, our annual attacking of the blues is tomorrow. So I feel it is important to acknowledge the fact that we now have dead weight on our side."

"Hey!"  
"So, with that in mind, Simmons, I want you to use Grif as a shield while I…"

Meanwhile……….

Along the ridge, two Spartans standing side by side are using the best surveillance tech on the blue team, using there acute sense of hearing, and being the perfect spies.

"How come I never get the damn sniper!?"

Or maybe not…


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own RvB,Halo,Bungie……

YET!!!

A/N: Thanks for the reviews every one, even though I put this up last night and it is only 2 but still. This time, I will start with a conversation between Tucker and Church.

________________________________________________________________________

It was day time, again and Tucker was bitching about the sniper, again.

Man this guy doesn't let up. I thought that once I became the unofficial blue leader, everything would go my way. But no, Tucker had to be a whiney ass punk, and challenge me just because Flowers died. Oh well, least he doesn't get the sniper.

"Church look!"

"What Tucker?"

"They got a new guy, he's wearing yellow armor."

"Tucker, that's orange armor."

"Well maybe I would know that if some one gave me the sniper!"

"Tucker for the last time, I am in charge, you are not. You answer to me and I tell you what to do. GOT IT!"

(Tucker Sobbing)

"Oh grow up."

He's running back to the base to write in his diary I bet. He still has no idea I know about it and know the pass code. What a loser. Hey, the reds are doing target practice on the new guy.

"Sarge, I don't think this is safe."

"Simmons you never think this stuff is safe. Now, pick up a rifle and shoot at Grif."

"Simmons, I swear, if you shoot me, I will get rid of the chemistry set In your room."

"NOO! Not little Einstein."

Grif is meaner than I thought. Now he's threating lil Einstein. Well that's it. He is going to be treated as the enemy from now on.

2 Hours later

In the base

Sarge looked furious. Grif did the unthinkable. He took Stephanie, Sarge's shotgun. The last time sarge even lost sight of it, he broke the fridge and the A/C, which has made this place even more like Hell. The good news for Grif, he doesn't have to die…. Yet.

Once Sarge finds the shotgun, Grif will be needing a new arm… and leg… and torso…. And testicles.

"Hey Simmons, you wanna know where I hid the gun?"

"Grif, you are going to die. And I want no part in this."

"Well, too late, because it's hidden in your room under your bed. Which might I add, is where sarge is looking right now. And since he hasn't figured out who took it. Well, it's been nice knowin ya."

This guy's an asshole.

"Your an Asshole"

Well, that was, redundant.

"SIMMONS!!!!"

"See ya simmons."

"wait sarge, let me explain."

"Explain what Steph is doing under your bed. I trusted you son, and you betrayed that trust."

"But it was Grif, I thought you hated him?"

"Ofcourse not, I just don't like lax recruits."

"But Matt please."

"….."

"….."

"What did you just say Simmons?"

"I'm sorry sir, I just wanted to get you to listen."

"Get out."

"Excuse me?"

"Get out of my base simmons. Go sleep on the ridge for a week and maybe I will forgive you."

"Yes sir."

Grif got me kicked out of the base. My base. The place I call home. Well he is the worst person in the canyon and I never want to see hi-

"Simmons"

"Yes sarge."

"Well, this is going to be hard to say but, I'm sorgh."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm Socratise."

"I don't understand?"

"uh, one second."

He's writing something. What would he need to write that he couldn't say in person?

"I'm sorry. Sarge, why couldn't you just tell me?"

"I tried but they just wouldn't come out."

"Well why are you saying sorry?"

"Because, Grif told me he did it, and you shouldn't be blamed for it. He's done something much worse than you were going to do."

"What?"

"Spending a week with Lopez."

Whoa, grif helped me out. I thought he was a selfish prick, but I guess I was wrong. I should probably go see him.

Meanwhile

"Yo no cuido, salgo de mi cuarto!"

(I don't care, get out of my room!)

"English you stupid robot."

"Eso es lo!"

(That's it)

As I was getting close to the room I heard someone monkeying about.

"You crazy Mexican!"

"Soy de España, asshole!"

(I'm from spain, asshole)

And then grif was thrown out of the room.

"Having fun watching? What's up with that guy?"

"That's just Lopez, you'll get used to it."

A/N: I used an English to Spanish translation site to get the Spanish for this chapter.

Amazingly, they don't have a word for asshole.

And for any of you diehard RT fans, you'll notice an easter egg involving Sarge's name.

As always, Reviews are like crack for me! Please, I need some man!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks for the reviews everyone. And for those of you who got the easter egg, your welcome.

I plan on doing 4-5 more chapters so if you guys have any ideas, please leave one in the review section.

I don't own Bungie, RT, Halo, RvB but I would love too.

Poor Grif. His week with lopez is almost over but he now hates Sarge which means there will be a lot of tension between the two of them. He seems like he's starting to learn a bit of Spanish which is helping him alittle bit with lopez. But I am depressed now. Now I have no one sane to talk to, and lil Einstein ran out of chemicals. Now how am I supposed to make C4? Oh yea, you can make military grade explosives using a chemistry set. Well, at least sarge said we'll be getting a new shipment in a month.

That lightend my spirits. Oh, it looks like Grif is coming.

"Simmons, do you know Spanish?"

"No, I thought you were picking it up after spending so much time with Lopez?"

"Nope, though I learned that the Mexicans have no word for asshole."

"well, that's odd. But you know that the annual attack is coming in a few hours. Are you sure your ready?"

"On a scale of 1-10, how hardcore are these guys?"

"Well, to be honest, I have no idea."

Meanwhile….

"Hey Church, we gonna go attack the reds?

"Nope."

"But it's the annual attack, we have to."

"Tucker, would rather go attack the reds, or sit down with me and enjoy Lost with the new satalite tv that I approved in the "budget".

"Point taken. What season are they on?"

"Season 48, episode 1516, at 23:42 o'clock."

"Wow, there reaching this season aren't they."

"You know it."

Back at the red base

"Men, are you ready for the attack, because I know I am."

"Sir if I may, why not we attack them instead of waiting for them to attack us."

"Hot damn Simmons you are a genius."

"Wait, why are we going to attack them if they aren't going to attack us? That doesn't seem smart at all."

"Simmons, hit Grif in the face."

"Yes Sir!"

"Yea, wait what?"

Bam!

"OWWWWWWWWWWWW"

"Quit your belly aching, we have to attack."

Well this story ends badly for me Sarge and Grif.

Apparently, there was a reason the Blues always attacked us, and it will be a memory we will remember for ever.

"Alright I can see the base."

"Yes, Grif. We are all happy you have your sight. Now what were going to do is-"

"TURRENTS ONLINE"

"What?"

They had automated machine gun turrets. Unfortunatley, Sarge was in front, so he got shot first, to which he replied with;

"Oh, Son of a Bitch!"

"Jesus!"

"Fuck!"

"Grif, you take care of the Turrets, I'll help Sarge."

And then, Grif redeemed himself by pulling out a rocket launcher and destroying both turrets while avoiding fire. Then he proformed the Heimlich maneuver to Sarge to get the bullet out of his stomach, which, surprisingly worked.

Afterward, we carried Sarge back to base. Unfortunatley, we had to leave the rockets behind. Man, I hope the blues never find it. Well, Sarge is asleep now and Grif collapsed on the couch so I guess I'll hed for bed too.

A/N: Though grif is portrayed as a good for nothing, lazy pig, I wanted him to do something cool and explain why the blues weren't dead before the series started.

Also, for those of you who don't see the Sarge vs Grif in this story, it's comin, just be patient. As always, Reviews keep me going and on the street beging for money to buy crack with.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This chapter is the start of the feud between Sarge and Grif. Enjoy

Bungie is to bungie as RT is to RT

Finally, Sarge is waking up. I never thought I would be so happy to… wait… I'm always this happy to see Sarge. Now maybe I can redeem Grif by telling him what happened.

"ugh, Simmons, is that you?"

"Yes sir. Don't try to move to much, your still recovering from the wounds the turrets inflicted on you."

"Simmons, did you get the bullet out of me and destroy the turrets, and carry me back to base?"

"Well, actually sir."

"Because if you did, then I would promote you to Second in Command."

Normally, I wouldn't betray a friend like Grif this easily. But this is different. Sarge is offering me a promotion. I would have to be stupid not to ruin a perfectly good friendship in lou of a promotion.

"Yes. Yes I did sir."

"Well congratulations Simmons. Or should I say SiC."

Wow, this is great. I didn't do anything and I got promoted. Well, now I'll have to deal with Grif…. Unless I don't tell him that I told Sarge what he really did. Uh oh, here he comes.

"Grif, what were you doing out there?"

"Excuse me sir?"  
"Simmons destroyed the turrets, got the bullets out, and carried me back to base. What were you doing while I was out?"

"What? Simmons didn't do shit! I did all that stuff! Simmons, tell him the truth!"

"But I did. Sir it seems like Grif is being insubordinate again."

"Simmons, hand me Stephanie."

"Oh what, now your gonna shoot me. Big deal, you already broke my kneecaps, and that was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. What are you gonna do, kill me."

"Don't tempt me. Beside, I have a new game I want you to play. Ha ha ha."

"Sarge, you don't me?"

"Simmons, get the bomb and arena ready."

"ugh, yes sir."

"Simmons, what's going on?"

"Oh, you'll find out soon enough dirtbag."

Sarge is having me get "THE ARENA" ready again. I never thought we'd ever use it after command found out what we did with Henderson years ago.

(Flashback to years ago)

"_Now, Henderson. I want you to go pick up that bomb and put it on the pad over there."_

"_Uh, okay sir."_

_3.2.1_

_BOOM!!_

"_Ha, best game ever. We should have the next recruit play if we don't like him."_

(End flashback)

Poor Grif, I guess I will lose the only friend I have in this godforsaken canyon after all.

Hey whats that red ball for?

"_**DEAD**__ ONLINE_"

"Oh, Simmons. It seems you found _**DEAD**_."  
"What's _**DEAD**_ sir."

"Grif. Ha ha ha. No but seriously, you remember how after Henderson, we weren't allowed by command to play this any more?"  
"Yea."

"Well, I've made a device that allows the user to feel all the pain involved with death, but not die. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yea, but wait. Why not we just make three more and go destroy the blues right now so we can go home?"

"Well, I only have enough parts for this one's maintenance. And you can forget me making Grif one. I want him to die, but since me getting court marshaled isn't an option, this will have to do."

"So, what does _**DEAD**_ stand for sir?"  
"_**Destroying Evocative Assholes Directly**_."

"Wow, you made a device that is practical and useful."

"Yea, well, no time for talking. We have a prisoner to torture."

A/N: I think you all know whats going to happen in the next chapter.

The invention of Grifball (It's Contagious)

Anyway, Read, Review, Give me some ideas for the next story.

I'll do either RvB or Halo, whichever.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I read a review from a one, "bookworm9515", and I agree with him. It's decided than. The next Story will be about Grifball, with a twist

Roosterteeth and Bungie own this crap I'm writing so don't take it.

Poor Grif, he has no idea what's going to happen. Well, at least it will be fun for me and Sarge, as he wired "DEAD" up to some controllers so we can control Grif. Sarge is getting Grif Strapped into "DEAD" right now. He should be done, oh, he is done.

"What the fuck is going on here?"

"Simmons, please tell Grif here the rules of the game."

"Basically, we control you while trying to get you past the deadly obstacles to the placement point over there."

"Then, after Simmons gets a point, I get to control you and do the same thing. The game doesn't end, so we play for as long as we want."

"Oh, Fuck no, I'm not doing this Shit!!"

"Oh, but you have to or that thing I strapped you up to will kill you."

"But the rest of this stuff here will kill me anyway. Why even put up with this Bullshit?"

"Simmons, mute the player."

"Already on it."

I have to say, I am excited about this. I've never done this multiple times. Now I can beat Sarge finally.

"Starting in 3...2...1...Go Simmons!"

"Yes, Sir."

"Oww. Son of a Bitch. Fuck. Bullshit, I didn't even touch the saw. Owwww. What the Fuck."

7 ½ hours later.

"Ah, good game Simmons."

"Thanks Sir. But uh, Shouldn't we help Grif, Sir?"  
"Oh, he's not going anywhere."

Well, Grif is lying in a pool of synthetic blood and limbs so I guess he isn't going anywhere. Also, he lost the will to live so why help him any way.

30 Minutes later.

"What the Fuck?"

"What are you babbling about, dirtbag."

"Why the hell did you leave me for dead you assholes?"

"Sarge said you lost the will to live so why help you."

"What are you going to do about it, dirtbag?"

"Stop calling me that you asshole."

Uh-oh

"Grif, drop and give me twenty."

"No."

Oh no

"What?"  
"I said no. You disrespect me, call me dirtbag, treat me like shit, and generally dislike me. So no, I won't do the pushups."

"…"

"…"

Blam

"Huh"

"You forgot to unstrap me you idiot. It doesn't even bother any more. Though, I think I will need a new liver."

"Grif I am going to do something I've never done before, ever."

"What?"

A/N: Cliffhanger?

Yep. In case you're wondering why these chapters are so small, It's because when I write, I write what's on my head. I only have a general basis of what this story is about so I just sit down, think of something Grif or Simmons would say, and type it up. So I only have a small amount of things to work with. A flaw that I am working on. But I promise, the last Chapter will be at least 3 pages long. (MS Word pages)

Review anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: UPDATES!!!!!

I finally got off my lazy but and decided to write something. Lack of updates may be a little more frequent due to home renovations and the such.

Anyway, if you haven't seen the fourth part of RvB Relocated, go watch it now or you won't get the joke in this chapter.

Bungie and RT own this stuff

It's been nearly a month and Sarge still hasn't done anything to Grif. He must be thinking of something awful to do to him. Wait, what's that noise?

"Yes blue command, this the 'Anonymous' caller again. I would like to report a spy trying to infiltrate the blue outpost in blood gulch. Yes, I am positive he will be on the ridge at 1300 hours. OK, thank you, dirt bag."

Sarge is going to sell out Grif, I didn't think he would go that far, I have to warn Grif.

"Grif! Grif!"

"Simmons, Grif is on patrol, scouting the blue base for our next attack."

"Well, sir, I um…. Need to give him his lucky Oreo."

"No can do Simmons, you know the rules."

"No one is allowed outside while someone else is already on patrol."

"That's right, now don't go anywhere near the ridge, those dirty blues may be up to something."

Grif is dead unless I can get to him. Well, I don't have much choice.

5 Minutes later

Oh crap, he's being captured.

"Simmons, what are you doing out here?"

"Sarge, Grif was captured while scouting the blue's."

"Did he get any useful information?"

"No, they just captured him."

"It was worth it."

"Sir, shouldn't we get him back?"

"Why bother, he's a no good slacker who can't be trusted, that's why I told blue command to expect him."

"Why would you do that?!?!"

"Why not is the appropriate question."

Sarge is insane.

"Your insane!"

"Simmons…"

"Sorry sir."

"Anyway, don't do anything, the longer he is there, the more information he gets."

MEANWHILE….

"Tucker, we have to kill him, what else are we gonna do to him."

"Well, we could pretend he is a really hot chick and do…"

"WHAT THE FUCK!!! THAT'S DISGUSTING, WHY WOULD YOU SUGGEST SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

"Why not? Hey, where did he go?"

"Gotta run, Gotta Run!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Son of a Bitch!"

"Hey red, get back here!"

"Fuck you blue."

"Shouldn't we stop him Church?"

"Not after what you suggested."

Back at red base…

"I'll be up on the roof thinking about stuff."

"Grif, your free, how?"

"Those guys are gay, if you know me, I'll find a way to get the fuck out of there."

"Grif, what did you learn."

"That there gay, what else do you want me to say?"

"I want a debriefing after the shipment comes."

"uhh, yes sir."

5 Minutes later

On top of the base…

"Hey."

"Yeah."

"Ever wonder why were here?"

THE END

A/N: This has been very fun to write, but after RvB: Grifball, I'll stick to writing for the blue team. I still like the red team, but blue is far easier to write for. Hope you all liked the story, and if you were disappointed by the ending, sorry but I ran out of ideas. A special thanks to ShadowUmbreon for all the reviews and hope that one day, I will get treatment for my addiction to reviews.


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